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Father Murphy walked into a pub and said to the first man he met, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do Father." The priest said: "Leave this pub right now!" He then approached a second man. "Do you want to got to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then leave this den of Satan!" Father Murphy then walked up to O'Toole and asked, "Do you want to go to heaven?" O'Toole replied: "No, I don't Father." The priest looked him right in the eye and said, "You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole smiled, "Oh, when I die. Yes Father. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
A man was driving down the road. He passed a traffic camera and saw it flash. Astounded that he had been caught speeding when he was doing the speed limit, he turned around and, going even slower, he passed the camera. Again, he saw it flash. He couldn't believe it! So he turned and, going a snail's pace, he passed the camera. AGAIN, he saw the camera flash. He guessed it must have a fault, and home he went. Four weeks later he received 3 traffic fines in the mail, all for not wearing a seatbelt.
A middle-aged couple with two beautiful daughters decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife became pregnant, and delivered a baby boy nine months later. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son, but was horrified to find an incredibly ugly baby. "I cannot possibly be the father of that hideous child," he said to his wife. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." When his wife blushed, he became suspicious, "Have you been fooling around on me?" he demanded. His wife confessed: "Not this time."
One night a wife woke up to notice that her husband was missing. Then she heard someone sobbing downstairs in the kitchen. It turned out to be her husband. She asked him why he was crying, and he said, "Remember that one night when your dad caught us . . . you know." "Yes I remember," she answered. "Remember he said I either had to marry you or go to jail." "Yes," the wife said. "Well, I would have gotten out today."
A truck driver was driving down the highway when he saw an elderly priest at the side of the road. He stopped to give him a ride. Further down the road the truck driver saw a lawyer along the side of the road, and turned the truck on a direct course to hit him. Then he thought, "Wait, I have a priest in the truck. I can't run down that lawyer." So at the last second the truck driver swerved to miss him. Although he thought he hadn't hit the lawyer, the truck driver still heard a thump outside of the truck. He looked in his mirror and saw the lawyer laying unconscious on the side of the road. Ashamed for what he had done, the truck driver turned to the priest and said "I'm so sorry Father, I really tried to miss that lawyer." The priest said, "Don't worry son, I got him with my door."
A woman with bad breath had tried everything, mouthwash, mints, brushing her teeth several times a day, but nothing helped. She could never keep a boyfriend because of it. When she found a guy she really liked, she put her hand over her mouth when she talked, and avoided kissing. What she didn't know was that he had a terrible problem with foot odor; if the relationship became intimate, and he pulled off his shoes, he knew she would be gone. The two dated, with she practically holding her breath, and he never removing his shoes. When he asked her to marry, she said yes, but still didn't tell him about her problem. On their wedding night, she got into bed and scooted close to him. "I have a confession to make," she said. He turned his head, gagging, and said, "Don't tell me. You ate my socks."
Rohit Kumar Khode
B-111, Fifth Hall of Residence
Indian Institute of Technology, Kanpur